Chronically Ironic

·But No, It’s GOOD!

So for awhile, when I was in between college careers, I lived with my best friend of 11 years for a brief summer. We spent a great deal of time together - we could read each other’s thoughts, finish each other’s sentences…the normal things that all best friends do. We even made up a secret language, that wasn’t as secret as it was stupid. Please see below for definitions of commonly used words between us:

BILLY: A redneck, guy with no class. Word must be pronounced “BIIIIIIILLLLLLY,” dragging it out in a low, gutteral tone.

HOWDY-DO: A good-looking guy, or the situation surrounding a good-looking guy.

For example: “The guy that was hitting on you was kind of BIIIIILLLLLLY, but the guy that I was next to was HOWDY-DO!”

SPOOK-LA-DOOK: Something or someone that is scary or creepy.

OOOOOOUUUUUUUWWWW: Used as an adjective to describe the type of people that listened to way too much of The Cure or The Smiths or Joy Division, and took themselves very seriously.

OUIJA-BACK: A condition caused by hunching over a Ouija board for too long. Don’t ask. It’s another story.
Now you have a sampling of the retarded language. Let’s get to the meat (no pun intended) of the subject: food. We wanted it. We had very little of it. So, as poverty dictates, the need for creativity arose all the time. We decided we could open a restaurant on our po’ folk food. We would name it “BUT NO - IT’S GOOD!” Have I got some recipes for all of you when you are short on cash. Here they are.

Appetizer: A Taco Bell bean burrito, cut in small sections so as to appear as an appetizing, Mexican roll-up.

Main Dish: Rice-a-Roni Sandwich. Preferrably a SPANISH RICE-a-Roni Sandwich. Freshly made Spanish-flavor Rice-a-Roni between two pieces of delicious Wonder Bread. Soggy, yes. Amazingly filling - why, of course!

Another Main Dish: Something we called “THE CREATION.” It consisted of whatever pasta was on hand - any shape, didn’t matter - and ranch dressing. Delectable. You must try it. I want some right now, and I haven’t made it since 1991. That’s just how awesome it is.

Dessert: Rice-Cake-Jam-Puff. A rice cake - usually plain - topped with any flavor jam that existed in the fridge at the time - and Cool Whip.

Anytime Fun: Bread Teeth. Yes, that’s what I said. 1. Take a piece of delicious Wonder Bread and tear out the middle, saving the crust for something else. 2. Form the glue-like middle of the bread into the shape of a tooth, roots and all. 3. Shove it directly onto your own tooth. Laugh hysterically for at least 15 minutes. I know you are wishing right now that you had thought of this. The amusement factor is 10. (Also can be used with cafeteria-type rolls, for those of you with money to spend.)
While all of these descriptions are sure to have made your mouth water with anticipation, try making them about 3 times a week. You will soon grow tired. I promise. The need to revisit these Dishes of Disaster has not hit me…although The Creation still beckons.

And you thought Anna Nicole’s refrigerator was full of death. Try again, rich girls!!!

Being Poor is Cool