Chronically Ironic

·No One Knows What Goes On Behind Closed Doors.

Hate country music, but loved that song as a kid. So I found it fitting to use as a title, because I am odd, my boyfriend is odd, and I am sure he would be thrilled that I share all of this minutia with you.

We are not odd in a gross way. This is not going to be some kind of weird article about what kind of sex we have. This is purely a tale of dork-on-dork action.

Exemplary Dork Activity #1:

We make up songs. Not about each other but about food, or about the goings-on of the moment.  Say I’m emptying the dishwasher.  He will put on his “rock face” and, while expertly playing his Eddie Van Halen 5150 Air Guitar, begins singing “SHE’S FUCKIN EMPTYIN THE DISH WASHAAAA!!!!!” Sometimes the lyrics are more clever.  Sometimes not.  Either way, it is reminiscent of the Dana Carvey “Choppin’ Broccoli” skit the majority of the time at my house.  Our latest joint endeavor as singer-songwriters together has been a little diddy we like to call “Mashed Potato Mountain.”  This top 40 hit is enjoying tremendous success with the dog and cat.  A smattering of the lyrics for you, sort of to the tune of ”My Pretty Pony” but as if a leprachaun was singing it:  

“On Mashed Potato Mountain, jump in the gravy boat! On Mashed Potato Mountain, down Butter River you will float!”

Need I give you more?  I am sure you are still reeling from the musical genius.

Exemplary Dork Activity #2:

Then, there are the finger puppets. 

That’s right, I said FINGER PUPPETS.  On a whim, I bought them at Ikea.  Jungle animals, mostly - lion, parrot, panda, frog, etc.  When he is least expecting it, I will spring the finger puppets on him.  I will get them out of the nightstand drawer furtively, place one or two on my fingers, and sneak up on him while he is just about to go to sleep.  This, along with my ridiculous fake finger-puppet-character voice, will inevitably CRACK HIM UP.  It is really not that funny.  But it doesn’t matter - it’s like you have hit the laughter jackpot with the finger puppets. 

Exemplary Dork Activity #3:

I talk to inanimate objects.  All the time.  For instance:

I go to Souper! Salad! (look, that’s the way the resaturant punctuates it, so I am totally doing it the way they do - I am not emphasizing just because I enjoy eating there) every Tuesday night and get dinner for both of us.  They have marinated mushrooms.  Sometimes they are delicious, other times the Souper! Salad! people have not gotten the ratio correct on mushrooms vs. marinade, and they are not so good.  But when they’re good, they’re really good.  As I lift the fork with the amazing, fragrant, delicate mushroom dangling on it to my mouth, I softly whisper, “I love you, Mushroom.“  My man looks at me as if I have lost my mind, then starts laughing.  I can’t help it.  I show appreciation when I see fit. 

Exemplary Dork Activity #4:

We have Peggle Wars.  If you do not know what Peggle is, stop reading and go directly to Peggle Land.  You will never do anything else ever again, so abandon all your hopes and dreams of becoming a famous, notable anything.  I am winning the Battle for Grand Peggle Master Wizard in my household.  Only because he is busy downloading pictures…of guns. 

Hurray for weirdness and young love. 

Being Poor is Cool, Musical Hootenanny