Chronically Ironic

·I Am NOT A Hippie!!

Throughout my entire life, I’ve talked a lot of shit and pretended to be interested in many things. This is not really much different than the attitudes and affectations of many my age, a generation of X’ers, where we seek approval and want more for ourselves and the stuff that surrounds us but, as the Immortal Wisdom of Jon Stewart points out, “Have shit to do.” My mom used to work with this guy and when I would call her up after school to let her know I was home, he would answer the phone where she worked and yell out, “Hey, it’s your daughter, the Peace Corps!” I was not in any kind of Young Teen Activist Movement – I just talked about stuff. Ideas, mostly. Opinions. No action. Way to get involved.

So now that I am decidedly middle-aged, have bought my first house, am worried about the environment FOR REAL, and all the other shit that is going on – don’t get me on my creaky and tottering soapbox made out of splintered rotten wood and rusty nails, just go over to Red State Renegade’s page – I have decided to stop talking and actually do some shit. It’s minor, but it’s shit all the same. According to the love of my life, I am in Activist Hippie Mode, and only a few steps away from letting all the grey in my hair go rampant and tromping around in Birkenstocks. He gives me grief about it, but he also congratulates me for finally being vocal, standing up for and believing in my convictions. Here is what I have done so far:

Recycling. I got on the City of Dallas website and ordered me up a Giant Blue Trash Can. It took them about 3 weeks to bring it by, and when they did, they (unbeknownst to me) set it in the middle of my driveway, near the curb. As I was on the phone with my sister and going to get soup and Pedialyte for my food-poison-addled significant other, I promptly backed into it with my LesbianMobile (Subaru Forester.) Not knowing what I had hit, I jumped out of the thank-god-I-remembered-to-put-it-in-park vehicle and thought to myself, hey Dumbasses, why would you put this DIRECTLY BEHIND MY CAR??? Of course, I should be looking when I back up – but I know I am not lying when I say it was not in my field of vision. The field being, obviously, not directly behind me. So far the Blue Monstrosity has amassed a shitstorm of All Things Paper and Plastic, much more than I ever suspected entering my house. I cannot seem to decipher the mysterious coded map on top of said Monstrosity to find out when they pick this shit up. My street, or any streets near my street, is/are not on it. I will have to find out soon, as plastic and paper seem to be the ingredients to everything we buy or accumulate. I realize I am a little late on this Bandwagon of Fun. Better late than Never.

Barack Obama. For those of you that do not support this dude, I am seriously skeptical of your intelligence. I am not saying you have to come out of your house wearing a t-shirt and waving a flag, but the guy is smart, savvy, taught 10 years of constitutional law, and is Media Jesus. He might just be the Savior from the Tyranny we have been waiting for. The expectations are ridiculous, the road extremely long and full of possible pitfalls for him, and yet I am re-reading The Audacity of Hope with a fucking highlighter in my hand. I have joined perhaps what might be every organization in the state for his campaign. I sent him my resumé. My boyfriend made the joke that I would gladly listen to him while performing explicit acts (with Obama, not boyfriend.) I am not IN LOVE with Barack Obama. I just happen to think he is the Shit, and while he may be inexperienced, maybe that’s a fucking good thing. “Experience” and “White House” don’t really go hand-in-hand, do they. I want a young guy with ideals and morals more than I want some Corporate-Pocket-Megalomaniac Antichrist, a Scary Bitch that stayed with a good but confused man for extremely bad and purely political reasons, or, God forbid, a Mormon. I grew up in Utah. Mormons are weird. They are not “all bad,” but come on. If you’ve never seen the South Park episode regarding Mormons, watch it. Now. The lesson is invaluable. Weird. Suffice it to say, Obama, in my opinion, is the only choice a thinking, rational, progressive person can and will make. Viva La Resistance. Go vote. I will drive you. I promise not to influence your decision. Dumbass.

The Fucking Al Gore Website. Yes, yes, damn you Al Gore and your movie too. Being a giant fan of All Things Natural Disaster-y, I can’t help but believe you when you show me the polar ice caps melting right before my very eyes. I too signed a postcard to Congress. I live in Texas, where for years now, what normal people call “fall” and “spring” barely exist anymore. The weather seems more turbulent – one day beautiful, next day muggy, the next cold as shit. I have not been well for 5 months. I’ll do anything to stop having a sore throat every day and to not have to keep an umbrella, an ice scraper and a windshield-sun-cover-thing all in my car at once. Even if it means joining Al in his Quest for Less Bullshit. I actually looked up where the next rally is within 10 miles of my zip code. Alright, already. Fluorescent bulbs, although you do my face no favors when I look in the mirror, here’s to seven years of not having to change you. And yes, even though I only drive about 10 miles a day, I will probably trade in the Forester at some point for some sort of hybrid. Geez. I don’t even have kids, so I don’t really give a shit about what kind of world I will leave for my non-existent heirs, but I would appreciate millions of people down the road not calling me a “half-wit” or “fucker” for ruining the remains of our Precious Planet.

Saying No to Wal-Mart, McDonald’s, and Non-Organic Milk.
I watched a few key movies in the last year that have completely fucked me over as far as where I can and cannot go and still retain moral credibility. These films are Morgan Spurlock’s amazing journey in Super-Size Me, the eye-popping and grief-strickening Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price, and just recently, the award-winning documentary The Corporation. I turned down FREE Wal-Mart gift certificates at my workplace. I refuse to eat at a McDonald’s ever again. For those of you that haven’t seen the McDonald’s movie, let me just warn you: At the very end, they show you how they took the ever-so-delicious fries and put them under a bell jar in the beginning of the 30-day McDonald’s-eating experiment. THE FRIES DO NOT CHANGE THEIR LOOK OR CONSISTENCY FOR THE ENTIRETY OF THE 30 DAYS THEY FILMED. I don’t want to know what the fuck is in those fries, but I know I do not want them in me. Oh, I miss them. Don’t get me wrong. And the Big Mac, too. Damn. The Corporation deals with some really uncomfortable issues, especially how large corporations are completely fucking over the planet without any scruples – I think we all know this, but, like the Wal-Mart movie, it shows you to exactly what extent. There is ONE GUY in the whole movie that has changed his evil ways and tries to preach corporate responsibility to others. He is speaking to a large conference room full of corporate-y dudes, and they all have blank and vaguely disturbed looks on their faces. Sad. They focus on one company that has put bullshit antibiotics and Super-Milk-Producing hormones in our cows. They have outlawed this in Europe and Canada, but oh no, not here in the good ol’ U.S. of A. I will now pay 1 to 2 dollars more for fucking milk. And PS, I don’t even drink it, so thanks. Sometimes I need it for baking. I can’t even go into the Wal-Mart movie because I literally had to pause the DVD and cry my eyes out. Not only was I shocked, I was guilt-crazed with all the money I have given them in the past. Their practices, like the practices of many big-box type stores, are horrifying. None can surpass Wal-Mart on the Serious Evil Scale. Garrrr. I get mad just thinking about it. I love Target, and I am shopping there until I see an exposé on them. And then, I will consider myself completely fucked.

I guess the irony of this phase in my life is that I had always planned on doing something about my convictions, but never did – and now here I am with less time to devote to these issues than when I was younger. But I guess for what’s important to you, you just make time. It doesn’t change the core of who I am, but dammit, it does cut into my sit-on-ass time. Maybe in a few years, we will have Barack Obama as president who: Invents the Automatic Recycler, banishes Wal-Mart from existence, outlaws the Devil-Milk, and Saves the Planet. If he does even one of those things, the time I have given up being a hippie instead of on my couch watching Spike TV will be vindicated.

The Future is for Suckas