Chronically Ironic

· I am NOT in the Right Hands, Apparently

Alright then. I like to sing in my car. Loudly. I like to listen to NPR and comment on the news in my own very stylized NPR voice and repeat the actual newscaster’s name after every story they report (“for National Public Radio, I’m Michelle Norris.”) I also like to sometimes have imaginary conversations with people. Thanks to hands-free Bluetooth technology, I can also have real conversations with them.

All of this, at times, takes away from the driving of the car.

I have never been one to change clothes, put on makeup, eat or engage in sexual activity (alright, maybe once or twice) whilst driving. This is more than I can say for some friends of mine…they have done, and continue to do it all. All I have to say about that is, more power to ya, because evidently even my imaginary conversations have the power to make me suck. My boyfriend is constantly bewildered by my traffic choices, and I am utterly helpless to explain. Yet I refuse to let him drive us around because, in addition to being a less-than-perfect driver, I am a horrible passenger. I get carsick at a moment’s notice unless I am driving in my slow, granny-like way. My mom, by the by, thinks I am an AMAZING driver. Ride in the car with her sometime. You will pray for death to reach out with its clammy hands and take you. She drives almost as erratically as my father. He recently ran over the neighbor’s mailbox. The BRICK mailbox. His excuse being, he was busy looking at the new roses the other neighbor had planted. All’s I’m sayin’ is, there’s a whole mess o’ shit goin’ on up in my parents’ hood. Thank god I am 15 miles away.

Look, I make no excuses, as I am naturally handicapped. I am a lefty, and it’s proven that we die faster and the roads are not made for us. Shit, do you know how long it took us to get scissors? It’s not like we can ask you all to build roads for us as well. Just try not to plunge us back into the Middle Ages where we were considered evil and beaten with sticks until we wrote with the godly hand. Sinistra. That means “left” in Latin. Thanks a bunch. Parvus sed potem, bitches. Look it up.

Back to my skillz. I can fucking drive. I CAN. I am a bit unfocused, and at times even distracted, but hey, I see a lot of people out there waaaay worse than me. Just today I watched some dude change at least three lanes at once and then exit. That bullshit happens all the time. And what about the assholes that don’t drive all week and save up all their driving fun for Saturday? Look people, I am just trying to get somewhere on a WEEKEND, since that is all the time I have to do anything. You seriously can go more than 5 miles an hour while making a turn. I have done it. Trust me. And for god’s sake, would you please learn that the stick directly to the left of your steering wheel does something other than serve as a hat rack? It’s called a fucking turn indicator. I know, because I CAN USE IT WITH MY LEFT FUCKING HAND.

Things I Suck At