Chronically Ironic

·Happy Birthday, Asshole!

Look - it HAS been a long time, and I know many of you are saying, “…wellll, if you were over it, you wouldn’t be writing about it,” but SCREW YOU. I am over it, but it’s a commemorative soul-searching that must be done around this time every year, so this year you get the unadorned, slimy privilege of doing that extremely uncomfortable activity with me. Lucky you.

Today, November 1, would be my gay ex-husband’s birthday. I think he would be 39 this year. It is also the anniversary of the day he told me he was gay. At least it was his birthday and not mine, right? Well, I think this year shall be the year that I do more than just say out loud to myself, “Happy fucking birthday, asshole!” THIS year I will make a list of good things and bad things that have come out of that particular wrinkle in time. Like Mr. Rogers, I ask you: Why don’t you join me?

Good Things:

The love of certain bands. Red House Painters and lots of other 4AD bands that I have grown to love and worship I may have had knowledge of, but full appreciation was never reached until I met him. I also learned about bands to respect but avoid, like Kraftwerk, Legendary Pink Dots, and anything with “Fetus” in this title of the band. While these “difficult listening” CDs remained in our collection and got dragged out for fun and frivolity every now and then, I learned that hey - that’s just not what I am into. And he only liked that shit because he thought it made him cool. Dude, just because you are the only guy in a crowd of 4000 that not only can name but owns every single German/Italian/UK release of Depeche Mode’s 12″ of “Master and Servant” does NOT make you cool. It kind of makes you sad. But for awhile, I was swept up in the ownership of all that shit as well - it doesn’t mean anything when you have so much music that you can’t listen to any of it. So in the end, I guess the good thing I gained was the knowledge that excess is not necessarily good. I am sure this is something he did not mean for me to glean from our relationship, but I will say thank you anyway.

The desire to work. I had this before we were ever together, but through his lazy ass I learned that I will never take any job for granted ever again. He was out of work for 3 months, ate a pint of Ben & Jerry’s every day and did not look for another job - mother FUCKER. While we were both still working, though, I would call in sick just to *blech* be with him, etc. Holy shit, never again. I only call in sick now when I am puking uncontrollably or feeling like The Undead. Which is not very fucking often. So thank you, asshole, for teaching me the value of having a crazy work ethic through your completely opposite attitude. I enjoyed paying for your mistakes, monetarily and emotionally. Hope you are getting a free ride somewhere for your birthday. And you can take that any way you want.

The knowledge of how to be a better judge of character. This is a work in progress, but I am more wary of people, I don’t get as close, I don’t share as much…and it’s all because of you! So thanks for turning me into a distrusting, skeptical bitch. Alright, he can’t really take ALL the credit for that one, but 98% we can give him. The brighter side to that is, I don’t get hurt as often. I would have also never really changed up what I looked for in a guy if I would have never had this experience - I would have just kept going for the shy, sensitive, pseudo-smart jackasses…it’s amazing how different a TRULY intelligent person is as opposed to a FAKE intellectual. Um, for one, they don’t have to go around telling the whole world how smart they are. I can at least say that my shitty character detector has gotten a lot more sophisticated, and thanks to that, I am super happy with someone that I plan on REALLY being with forever. And he’s not gay. That I can tell. So far. Pretty sure. It’s been 5 years, so hopefully he’s not just a really good liar.

Bad Things:

Um, it was a really bad experience overall, much like what I imagine waterboarding to be like - but in the end, this really turned out to be a good thing. I would never be who I am today without going through it. And I’m not dead or anything. So that’s a plus.

And so I will bid a fond adieu to the Nov 1 ritual for another year. Maybe after this year, I won’t do this anymore. But I think it’s always good to not forget what fires you came through. No matter how long ago shit happens, and although it may seem like another life, it’s still a part of you. Good to recognize, and then move the fuck on.

Why Girls Cry, Things I Suck At, Musical Hootenanny